


How to have a polyamorous relationship with two super soldiers

by bedb



Category: Marvel
Genre: Humor, Multi, hydra cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:05:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedb/pseuds/bedb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha's advice on how to take care of two men.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to have a polyamorous relationship with two super soldiers

**Author's Note:**

> influenced by aurora_ff's and my favorite AU version of Natasha's love life. Will be adding another chapter of Memories tonight that will go over it in more detail

Natasha’s advice on keeping two super soldiers content in a polyamorous relationship.

1\. Keep them human. While it is tempting to have a lover who turns twenty feet tall with a two foot dick, be honest with yourself. Can you survive it? If he turns big and green every time his heart rate goes up, this might not be the man for you, and certainly not one for a polyamorous relationship. So it’s essential you keep them human.

2\. They should be friends. Men normally do not care enough for each other enough to share a woman between them. This is why it’s good that they are already friends. See where I am going here? While Tony and War Machine like each other…is it enough for them to see each other naked at night? Cap and James have already seen each other naked and were not impressed. It’s me they want to see naked, and I give them every opportunity I can. You must do this too. Oh, it also helps that one of them suffers from prolonged guilt and feels obligated to taking care of the other.

3\. Do not neglect the socially stable one who can function long periods of time by himself for the one who needs constant supervision and guidance. Yes, it is quality versus quantity, but you must establish yourself as the alpha leader and teach the needy one it’s OK to share. This is where their friendship helps. Having the stable one on speed dial is also good if the needy one decides the neighbor’s cat is a Hydra operative in disguise. 

4\. Be sensitive to their differences. If barber chairs and cold things throws one of your sweeties into a kill or be killed panic attack, he should not be the one to buy the ice and drinks at WalMart for the team picnic. 

5\. Sex. Yes, the idea of two beautiful men in your bed every night just does it for you, but you do need to set boundaries. Plus individual time is good for the male ego. This does not mean having both at once is not fun, of course it is, but the boys need their own rooms and their own ‘me’ time. This is essential. It helps the needy one with his sharing issues. Also, at no time are weapons of any kind to be used as sex toys. Just take my word on this.

6\. Pizza and beer are not acceptable food items EVERY DAMN night, and do not give in to their idiot logic that a super supreme covers all the food groups. Coors Lite is not diet food! And sex must never be used in place of real exercise, I don’t care whose idea it was. And whoever is pulling up all those porn sites on my computer needs to stop it now! Sorry, I digress. 

7\. Do not use sex as an incentive to quit smoking. It won’t work. The smoker won’t really quit, you’ll be worn out and not get any work done. Also it might encourage the nonsmoker to take up smoking for the extra sex. It also won’t hurt to watch Jurassic World…you’ll recognize the scene instantly that you need to master. If Star Lord can control four velociraptors you ought to be able to control two super soldiers. No means no! No, it doesn’t mean maybe. 

 

Steve and Bucky’s rebuttal:

That cat does work for Hydra. Have you seen it s eyes?

It’s just a cat, Bucky, an evil ugly mean cat with glowing yellow eyes and long sharp teeth. OK, so maybe it does work for Hydra, but this is not the place to discuss cats.

Nor did I have a panic attack in WalMart. I could not decide how much ice to buy. No one told me how much.

True but tearing up the ice machine scared a lot of people.

I wanted Nat to take what she needed. I put it back.

That’s why we make lists. We see a problem and write it down then inquire about it….and you really need to cut down on the porn, I'm beginning to worry about you.

And I never used my Gloc as a sex toy. Natasha is only imagining things.

It was the Schrade. You tied her up and ran the Schrade down her body. 

She did it first! And I didn’t draw blood, she did! Tied me up with those Japanese knots and then ran that blade over my exposed skin. Hell she did me like those vampire chicks did Keanu Reeves in Dracula.

Gary Oldman is a fine actor.

Piss on Gary Oldman. You weren’t thinking about Gary Oldman went Nat ack –ci-dentally pricked my nipple when that knife.

Buck, this rebuttal is supposed to be how all of us make this relationship work, not your proclivities.

I just do what Natasha tells me to do.

I beg to differ. You are not the one on speed dial, I am.

I could be on speed dial if I wanted.

Why? You’re like a fox terrier puppy who won’t leave. She goes to the bathroom and you’re waiting outside the door. All you ever think about is nailing her.

Not true. I thought about pancakes when I got up this morning.

Who made them?

You.

And what were you doing?

Taking a shower.

With whom?

Nat, but she was washing my back. I can’t get that one spot clean.

Seriously?! You were…I mean….Bucky you were….

Say it Steve, I was eating pussy.

You were engaged in oral sex while I cooked breakfast!

Natasha really liked the orange juice and the fancy little egg holder.

You are abusing me!

OK tomorrow I’ll fix breakfast and you can go down on Nat in the shower.

Your idea of breakfast is instant oatmeal.

Oatmeal is good for you.

Not when I slave making bacon and eggs and pancakes and fresh squeezing orange juice. I do not want instant oatmeal.

So what is the solution to this problem? 

You can fucking learn how to cook! Lord knows you know how to eat. 

Pussy.

ARGH!!!!!

 

8\. The boys will occasionally try to assert dominance over one other through fighting and such. This is normal, but do keep an eye on them just incase the bigger man succeeds in getting his hands around the other’s neck. This is where the velocirapter training comes in. Using our hands and safe word, the boys should break apart the moment they hear the word Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin. Boys, Rumpelstiltskin. If this doesn’t work, keep sedatives in the refrigerator to knock out two warring super soldiers. Make sure it’s strong enough to keep them unconscious while you drag their butts down to the dungeon. Oh, and it’s OK to drag them by their heels. There’s nothing in their heads to hurt.


End file.
